It’s a Tuesday morning at 7:13 a.m. Your child has been asked to put on their shoes. You've asked once, twice, maybe five times.
Maybe they yell, throw their shoes, or insist they can't do it. Maybe they collapse onto the floor. Or perhaps they just simply ignore you.
It’s now 7:20 a.m. and you’re now officially late for your meeting and the bus has long moved onto the next stop.
The panic sets in, but they continue to be distracted, emotions running higher and higher, and all you can do is sigh.
What you hoped would be a simple became a battle of wills and the day has barely begun.
Sound familiar? That’s okay. You’re in the right place.
From the outside, it might look like defiance, avoidance, or a refusal to cooperate.
And understandably, you're frustrated.
But what if the behavior you're seeing is only one part of the story?
What if your child is overwhelmed by the transition, struggling to shift their attention, feeling disconnected, or having difficulty tolerating the loss of control?
What if they're hungry, exhausted, anxious about what comes next, or simply haven't developed the skills to manage everything being asked of them in that moment?
The behavior is real. So is your frustration. But there’s an easier way: explore what’s beneath the surface and respond to that, not the behavior. Let’s break it down.
Behavior is Communication, but the Message isn’t Clear
You've probably heard the phrase "behavior is communication."
While it’s quippy and easy to remember it’s only a starting point, and can oversimplify something quite complex.
Here’s the thing, behaviors in kids emerge from an interaction of emotions, developmental abilities, temperament, relationships, environments, and learned experiences. Sometimes a behavior communicates distress or an unmet need, and other times, it reflects curiosity, excitement, impulsivity, habit, or a skill that's still developing. And sometimes, of course, children genuinely don't know why they did something.
But it can all look the same!
When adults ask, "Why did you do that?" we may be asking children to explain a process they haven't yet learned to recognize or put into words.
Instead of immediately looking for an explanation, we can begin with curiosity. Or even just play.
What happened before the behavior? What was being asked of the child? What might have made the situation difficult? What skills or support did they need in that moment?
These questions don't excuse harmful behavior or eliminate the need for boundaries. They help us respond to the whole child rather than focusing exclusively on the action.
Looking Beyond Defiance: What Might Be Happening Underneath?
Imagine two kids who both refuse to complete their homework.
One child becomes overwhelmed by the amount of writing required. They know what they want to say but struggle to organize their thoughts and put them on paper.
The other child worries about making mistakes. They erase repeatedly, become frustrated, and eventually refuse to continue.
Both kids appear to be avoiding homework.
But the experiences driving their behavior are different.
One may need accommodations, executive functioning support, or a different way to demonstrate their knowledge. The other may benefit from support with perfectionism, anxiety, and tolerating uncertainty.
If we respond to both children with the same consequence, we may miss the opportunity to understand what is making the task difficult.
This is why understanding the function and context of behavior matters. Behavior that you see if the last part of the entire experience.
Through this perspective, considering the approach with curiosity becomes easier. It’s not about "How do I get my child to stop doing this?" instead, it’s "What is making this difficult, and what support will help my child move forward?"
Connection Doesn't Mean the Absence of Boundaries
One common misconception about relational or child-centered approaches is that they prioritize feelings at the expense of accountability.
But understanding a child's emotional experience and maintaining expectations aren't opposing goals.
A child can be angry that it's time to leave the playground, and it can still be time to leave.
A child can feel disappointed that they can't have another cookie, and the answer can still be no.
A child can struggle with frustration, and we can still help them learn that hitting someone isn't an acceptable way to express it.
The difference lies in how we respond.
Rather than treating emotions as something to eliminate before moving forward, we can acknowledge the experience while maintaining the boundary.
"You really wanted more time. It's hard to stop when you're having fun. We're still leaving, and I'll help you."
This doesn't guarantee cooperation. Nor does it mean every difficult moment will resolve peacefully.
But it communicates something important: your feelings are allowed, even when the answer doesn't change.
Over time, these experiences can help children develop the capacity to tolerate disappointment, navigate limits, and remain connected during moments of conflict.
Why Feeling Understood Matters
Think about the last time you felt misunderstood.
Perhaps someone assumed you were being difficult when you were actually overwhelmed. Maybe they offered advice before hearing what you were trying to say. Or perhaps they focused on your reaction without acknowledging what led to it.
Being misunderstood can make an already difficult experience feel even harder.
Children experience this, too.
When a child is repeatedly told they're being dramatic, difficult, manipulative, or attention-seeking, those descriptions can begin to shape how they understand themselves and how adults respond to them.
A more curious approach allows us to distinguish between a child's behavior and their identity.
A child who struggles with transitions isn't necessarily a defiant child.
A child who seeks reassurance isn't necessarily an overly dependent child.
A child who becomes emotionally overwhelmed isn't necessarily choosing to be disruptive.
These distinctions matter because they leave room for development, learning, and change.
From Managing Behavior to Understanding the Child
Of course, parents need practical solutions. Sometimes you have ten minutes to get everyone out the door, and there simply isn't time for an extended conversation about feelings.
A relational approach doesn't require you to turn every difficult interaction into a therapeutic moment.
It means building an understanding of your child over time.
You might begin noticing that mornings are especially difficult after poor sleep. That transitions go more smoothly with predictable routines. That your child becomes frustrated when tasks require skills they're still developing. Or that certain behaviors emerge when they're worried about disappointing someone.
Patterns provide information.
And information gives us more choices about how to respond.
Sometimes the most helpful intervention is a clearer boundary. Sometimes it's an accommodation, additional practice, a change in expectations, or more opportunities for connection.
Often, it's a combination.
What This Means for Parents
You don't need to understand every behavior perfectly.
You won't always respond with patience, and there will be moments when your own frustration gets the better of you.
What matters is the opportunity to return, reflect, and repair.
You can acknowledge that a moment was difficult. You can reconsider an assumption. You can apologize when your response wasn't what you intended. And you can remain curious about what your child might need next time.
Children don't need adults who never get frustrated.
They benefit from relationships in which difficulties can be navigated, mistakes can be repaired, and connection doesn't depend on getting everything right.
The Child Beyond the Behavior
A child is more than their hardest moments.
They're also their curiosity, humor, creativity, fears, hopes, strengths, and emerging sense of self.
When we look beyond behavior, we aren't ignoring the challenges that brought us there. We're making room to understand those challenges more fully.
And sometimes, that shift—from asking how to stop a behavior to wondering what a child is experiencing—creates the possibility for a different kind of connection.
One built not on perfect behavior, but on understanding, trust, and the freedom to keep growing.
